who's sick of Taylor Mali??

Sorry about exposing you to the same picture of Taylor Mali for the last month. Life got a little busy for awhile...

From Thanksgiving on, I was trying to wrap up my end-of-the semester assignments, and I didn't have much remaining mental energy to expend - and what I did have, I didn't want to use it writing something else on the computer.
But, I'm finished now. Actually, I've been finished since the middle of December, and I've spent the last two weeks decompressing. I've rejected any intelligent thoughts that have attempted to enter my brain, and instead, I've immersed myself in multiple movie marathons and long naps.
Although I've never agreed with our educational systems, the one thing they have right is their well-timed breaks!

The blogging world is like any habit-forming pursuit. If you keep up with it, it's easy, but a few days off and it's extremely difficult to get involved again. I'm hoping this post will get me back in the habit...

taylor mali

I wish I had something to say, but I've been swamped with work...and we're heading to Tennessee tomorrow morning. Hopefully, you enjoy the poets as fillers in my absence.

I'm pretty sure this guy is a teacher; he seems to like to speak to the sad trends of our culture.

Grades

I had forgotten how much I hated our educational system, but I am quickly being reminded.

I absolutely love learning. I love reading. I even like to write. But as soon as I receive this random point total that has been given as an arbitrary judgment, I begin to feel differently. Especially when this arbitrary grade must be maintained at a "B" level for me to stay in school. And then there's the kick in the pants when the grading scale is raised to an insanely high level. So, here at my lovely school, I must maintain an 87% or higher. 86% and below is a B-, which will put me on academic probation (and after the second term of below a 3.00, or below 87%, you're out of school for a semester). If I want to get an "A," I must have at least a 97%!

So, for one class, I have four grades which have all been completed. Two tests: each 99%. First paper - 92%. Second paper - 95%. Average these out and I have a 96.25%, which is an "A-". And this is definitely my best class so far...

Ridiculous.

Enough said for Buckeye fans.

Why am I getting hits from all over the world??!!

So, I've been getting random hits from all over the world the past three days. I'm not sure what's going on, but I would love to find out! If you're reading this and you don't know me, would you mind commenting how you stumbled onto my blog...
If it's because of the "next blog" link, then does anyone know why the hits started only 3 days ago???

I would really appreciate it!! Thanks!

Jesus Video #2

I have a few papers I'm working on, so my blogging life is suffering. But I think these videos are good fillers.

Hot Tub

One of the reasons we chose our apartment was the hot tub and pool. Unfortunately, it was out of commission the first three months we were here.

However, it's now repaired, and I am doing my best to get my money's worth.

Those pesky bacteria and dead skin cells are no deterent to me - I'm just a happy man living the good life...Wahoo!!

Bassey Ikpi - Homeward (this poem is clean!)

I can't get over these "def poets"...
The poem below I find especially beautiful because of a friend I have here in Seattle. She is Kenyan, although she's lived in the states for over 10 years.
It wasn't long ago that I sat across from her, listening to her share the pressures she's felt to assimilate into the American culture. "To belong" - it's what we all desire, but for some, it requires much more of us.
The majority of people I encounter are similar to me; for me to belong, I'm not required to change much.
...but if my culture was different, my first language was different, the way I thought was different, the way I viewed God was different, the clothes I wore were different, my heritage was different, my history was different, my political views were different...what if I didn't grow up watching the same television shows, or listening to the same music? What if I was always left out of conversations because I couldn't relate to the cultural expressions? What if I had a different color of skin?

I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. I could barely speak, and I felt embarassed. Everyone in the group stared at me in bewilderment. Through the tears, I mustered enough voice to stammer out, "I feel sad for you, but my tears are for my personal loss of you right now. There is beauty in you that I can find nowhere else." I hated that she was forced to assimilate. It certainly was not fair to her, but it was also not fair to me...

There is beauty in her uniqueness, in her heritage, and in her culture. She adds so much to my life that I can find nowhere else, and for others to force her to forget, to leave it all behind...and for what???!!

I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Why do we exclude? Why do we force assimilation? Why can we not celebrate our diversity, our uniqueness, our individual beauty?

I love the poem below because in it, I see the face of my friend.

Are the youtube videos loading?

Def Poetry Jam

Tonight, I watched season 2 of Def Poetry Jam. It would not have been long ago that I would have turned it off early into the show. The language and content are extremely explicit, and I would have quickly judged these poets as too graphic and crass. Thankfully, I am no longer the same person...

Two poets into the first episode, I saw this guy below, and I realized that it is me who was practiced at turning my head, which would have previously proven true if I had turned off the dvd...

Sure, I seemed kind enough around those who were like me - conservative, evangelical, pro-life Republicans who are patriotic, support the war, love football, have a good education, never did drugs and so forth. But I was quick to judge those who were different - liberals, democrats, homosexuals, pro-choice advocates, etc. Maybe if I wasn't so quick to judge - maybe I would hear their stories and I would understand...

These poets give us a glimpse into the realities of life that they know, and for their honesty, I am grateful.

Paradox, pt. 2

...continued from yesterday.

Many of you will definitely resist these thoughts. "But God does not want us to dwell in our suffering," you may say.

And I would probably agree with you. But what if, instead of dwelling in the suffering, we allowed the despair to have "presence."

Joy and suffering are always present in our lives; it's only a matter of the degree to which we recognize them.

Think about it this way. The cross is necessary because this world is full of crap. We have all suffered (even if we want to immediately turn it in to a positive or quickly chalk it up as a lesson from God). We've lost loved ones. We've felt hungry. Jokes have been made at our expense. Not to mention the violence we've inflicted upon others. I lose my temper. I ignore my wife. I don't return the phone call of a friend.

The need for the cross is present everyday.

Yet, we also live with the reality of the resurrection. We have loved and we have felt loved. There is goodness in each of us.

Dignity and depravity. The cross and the resurrection. Joy and Suffering.

These paradoxes are all present everyday; if only I could become more accutely aware...

Paradox: Pernicious and Pesky? or Putative and Palatable?

Smile, God loves you!

Be happy, be optimistic, be positive!

The Christian community frequently asserts these traits in such a strong manner that I could almost construe them as necessary conditions for salvation.

but what if our lives were different...

I tend to believe that joy and suffering are so intertwined that we cannot have one without the other. Furthermore, to the degree we feel the one, we will certainly feel the other.

Imagine a pendulum swinging. Raise it high on one side, and when you let it go, it will swing equally high on the other.
Now imagine moving it slightly to one side; when released, it will only move slightly to the other side.

I like to think of our range of emotions in this manner - the more I suffer, the more I'll be joyful. The more joy I feel, the more I'll recognize my suffering.

I also like the analogy of seeing our emotions as varying colors on a painter's palette. If I only have a "slightly swinging pendulum" of limited and moderate emotions/colors, a picture could be painted of my life. But imagine a canvas covered in a myriad of intense, vibrant "colors."

With this, my life could be a masterpiece.

to be cont'd...

Jesus Video #1

The more I watch this, the funnier it gets...and there's a few more that I'll post later.



In case you're offended, it may help to know that the videos were created by a church to mock some common perceptions of Jesus.
So, after I laugh, I should go cry b/c of the fact that a video like this is even made as a result of our poor understanding and demonstration of the essence of the Gospel.

Down with Daylight Savings

What's the deal with daylight savings?

We save daylight during the time of year when the days are already longer!
Then, when days get shorter, we take an hour of daylight away.

This is ridiculous. Instead of having daylight until 10 pm in the summer and 5 pm in the winter, why don't we switch it around so that daylight always lasts until around 7 or 8:00. It seems more consistent to me.

Of course, this comes from a man who is never awake early enough to know how the morning hours are affected...

Public Apology to my brother-in-law

This post is an apology to my brother-in-law for the statements made in the previous post. This afternoon, I found myself arrogantly basking in the pleasure of OSU's currently undefeated season and enjoying the abnormal season for Notre Dame.

In the process, I forgot my commitment to respect the favorite teams of close friends or family members - if they're respectful of the Buckeyes. Some friends take every opportunity to trash the Bucks, and with them, I will readily tee-off when I get the chance. However, most people in my life, including Mike, respect my fragile temperament in regard to OSU, and I always hope to make that respect mutual.

So, Mike, I'm sorry for the insensitivity of my comments on Weis. I thought about removing the post after I read your comment, but that would only reinforce my fear that I already take this stuff wayyyy too seriously...!!!

Charlie Weis fan-club

I'm starting to love this guy. Recored: 1-8
His loss to Navy (their first since 1963) quickly elevated him to my second favorite coach in NCAA. I'm going to enjoy him while I can, because he may not be around long. But we can always hope...

Evil in Heaven???

In my Hermeneutics class the other night, an intriguing conversation began as a result of a seemingly random tangent. I don't know what our professor had planned, but he allowed the tangent to dominate the rest of the evening.

The main idea being discussed was this: the presence of evil in heaven.

Two things shocked me about this at first:
1) I had never heard this theory before - I was shocked b/c it seemed so scandalous.
2) I was astonished how many other students already presupposed this theory.

I am in no way attempting to answer or argue anything here. I thought I'd simply recall a few statements and let you have your own fun with them.

- Goodness can only be considered good in light of the presence of evil, just as black could not be known as black if it were not juxtaposed with white. Therefore, if God is to be known as good(even in heaven), how could evil not have a presence?

- The presence of evil was presupposed in the Garden of Eden, the first "heaven" or paradise of sorts. Why would the new heaven be any different?

- Evil will have a presence, but it will have no power.

- Sin is a gift in the sense that the possibility of sin and the reality of our own sin drives us back to God. If our ability to sin is taken away, would we then be God? What is our functional need of God then? Sin is not our enemy. It's there to lure us, to invite us to repentance and the love of Christ.

- As we now see but a poor reflection as through a mirror, then we shall see and know fully. Evil will be present, but because of our knowledge, it will have lost its seduction.

My main question: The possibility of temptation presupposes the freedom to choose sin. Theoretically, then, could I choose to sin?

I think I would have serious problems with this theory, but as of now, I'm pretty ignorant on the whole thing. But I guess we're all ignorant. As my Hermeneutics professor said, "The only thing I know for certain about my theology is that it's wrong."

Undefeated

Is anyone else speechless?

Hope, part 2b

Just a clarification:
These are Dan Allender's thoughts, not mine. I've thrown in some thoughts, and I write in my perspective of Dan, but the basic skeleton is his, not mine - just a little clarification so you don't think I'm smarter than I really am.

So, where was I...oh yes, hope...

So, Hope is a memory of the future, an anticipation of the Day of the Lord, and the nature of Hope is having dreams which are unrealizable and yet worthy for you to die for. Furthermore, the more we wait, the more the taste is delicious and the more it's wed with agony.

Here's where it gets fun:
Faith provides an anchor, or stability; hope brings freedom.
Faith provides identity, memory, and context.
Hope provides movement and a capacity to risk.

We already know that the things in this life that we "hope" for are nothing more than delusions. We are idolators, letting security, comfort, pizza, Buckeyes, vacations all steal pieces of our hope.
These things do not bring us the reconciliation, redemption, and justice we long for; therefore, we despair in the agony of waiting expectantly and groaning inwardly.

What does this tell me?

This life is not worth living; it is not worth holding on to. Only in realizing and accepting this can I begin to truly live. This is the paradox of Christ's call.

Since our life is no longer our own, we have the freedom to risk.

So, faith is our anchor that provides stability. Hope, then, brings the sails that move us out of the harbor, into danger. The crazy thing about Hope is that it will always get us into trouble.

When we Hope, we will bleed. When we Hope, we will suffer.

So, what do you live your life in Hope for?
What are you willing to die for?

Are you willing to live with furious indifference to your own life?
Or do you live with a sense of boredom, an indifference to life itself?
These are two foundationally different ideas:
Indifference to life is an indifference to love, but indifference to your own life allows you to risk yourself in love for another.

So, where do you risk?

Are your dreams more about reconciliation or are they more about filling your sensual desires? Do you hope for redemption, or do you want your belly to be full?
Where will you persevere because your name is bound to that dream of redemption?

So, What do you Hope for?

Faith, Hope, and Love, part 2 of ?

Onward to Hope!

If faith is a remembrance of the past (see part 1), then Hope is a memory of the future.
What does this mean?
All of our perceptions of the future will hold to our paradigms developed from our past. So, when we look at the future, we look at it through the lens of all our past experiences, or at least our "memories" of them - our perception of the future is intricately influenced by our past.

Therefore, when we look at the future, we see it in light of our memory. Thus, the definition "memory of the future." - Quite fascinating, I think...

Hope could also be called an "anticipation of the future."

If Faith is remembering God's redemptive goodness, then we can anticipate that Hope is seeing that which has not yet arrived.

If Hope arrives, then it was not hope (or at least is no longer hope), because Faith and Hope always require eyes that do not see!

As Christians, our hope is built on the arrival of Jesus. He has arrived - I remember (faith). He has not yet arrived - I anticipate (hope).

The Day of the Lord is the essence of our Hope. Only in this ultimate denouement, or redemption, will our hope be realized.

Often, we speak of other types of hope; these look similar to optimism or fantasy, and are frequently found in Hallmark sentiments. Biblical Hope on the other hand is quite different...

The true nature of Biblical Hope is that we will die, but before our life ends, things will get worse.

Hope gets us into trouble; Hope is demanding. It's dangerous and it calls me to die. The paradox: If I will not die, of course, I will not live. Sound familiar?

There will always be loss as Hope is endured. Hope is a lifetime pregnancy. We wait, we anticipate, we expect, and in the midst of this, there is incredible agony.
Imagine yourself as a child waiting for Christmas morning to arrive. It was painful enough to wait a whole year! Now, imagine you wake up and your parents want you to have a nice, quiet breakfast. This may be ok for you now, but when I was 6 years old, the agony would have been unbearable!

The greater "unrealizability" (I definitely made that word up ;)) of what we hope in, the more agony we will certainly experience as we wait for its fulfillment.

So, if you hear a person speaking of Hope without bleeding, or wailing, or agony, it's probably not in reference to true, Biblical Hope.

Look at Romans 8:22-23. I'll briefly paraphrase here: the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth...we ourselves...groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for...the redemption of our bodies.
Two things stand out here:
1) waiting expectantly and 2) groaning inwardly

God is very aware of our agony.

So, here is a pivotal question to ask yourself:
What is it that tomorrow will bring that you believe will so satisfy you that you would not be willing to die today?
Another way of asking this: What illusions still hold your heart?

Many of the things we "hope" for or dream about are nothing more than delusions - they are not hope.
For me, I dream of the day I have kids. I dream of the day my house will sell. I'm definitely beginning to dream of the day I graduate! I even dream of insignificant things like the opportunity to watch the Buckeyes win another game...
Often, I hope for comfort or financial security. "If only such and such would happen I would be more content" I think to myself.

Who am I kidding??? None of these things will satisfy. I am delusional! My ultimate desires for redemption, reconciliation, and justice will only be realized on the Day of the Lord.

Hope can only come through disillusionment.

and therefore, despair can become my friend if it purifies what I'm hoping for.
this is huge...

I hope for my house to sell. It hasn't. I want the Buckeyes to win every game. They won't.
I want to love others perfectly, and I want to be perfectly known and understood. I can't and I won't be.
I hate poverty, hunger, homelessness, addiction, etc. Deal with it.

Frankly, life sucks when we get down to it. We've all been rejected, abandoned, betrayed. We've all been murderers and adulterers. Our sin is pervasive, and when I really consider this, let it sink into the depths of my being, I want to lay down and die.

Oh, this despair would be crushing if it were not for the glorious "But,"

So, here it is: BUT, this despair always brings me back to my anticipation for another world - the ultimate redemption of Jesus Christ. In this, and in this alone, can I Hope.

So, is despair my friend?
Strong feelings of ambivalence arise from this question, but one response says, "Unfortunately, we're only casual acquaintances as of now, but I long to be closer." Of course, the other side says, "Good riddens, Despair! I hope I never encounter you again!"
Ambivalence is a crazy thing that constantly rears its head in our lives...(so, you love reading these posts, and you simultaneously can't wait until you get to the end. Ha!)

Speaking of...I'm getting tired. I'll finish hope tomorrow...

The Earth is Enough

I've almost finished perhaps the most difficult paper I've ever written.

I had to write a dialogue between myself and Harry Middleton, the author of "The Earth is Enough."

Writing dialogue, or a play of sorts, was ridiculously challenging for me.

I'd say more, but I'm tired of staring at this computer screen.

Faith, Hope, and Love (perhaps part 1)

I have four main classes this semester, one of which is taught by Dan Allender (Mars Hill's president and primary founder) and is entitled "Faith, Hope, and Love."

Now, initial thoughts may consider this to be an elementary class given the familiarity of the words in the title, but I have spent the last 3 days pouring over class transcripts (most students purchase these) for several reasons:
1) the information is incredibly profound
2) Dan moves through material at an accelerated pace; it is literally at a breakneck speed.
and 3) the information is so profound, and the pace is so quick, that I need ample processing time to internalize these concepts - time that is not given in class.

So, you, my faithful blog readers, get to participate in my educational experience. Over the years, I've found writing a summary of concepts to be a helpful way to process, and what better outlet for writing, than my own personal blog!

so.....Let's start with Faith (class #1):

I think I'll begin by defining Faith as remembering the redemptive acts of God.
Another interesting category of faith as a preface comes from Hebrews: sightless surety and certainty.

Faith is a matter of Trust. It asks the question, "To whom am I loyal?"
The context of our Faith is played out in story, so the questions can then be asked,
"What story am I loyal too?"
"What story do I trust?"
"What story has central command over my life?"
"What stories rule me?"

In looking at the idea of story, or narrative, several things must be understood:
First, we are all in a "story war." Many stories are vying for our attention, our life.
Does your story of past sexual abuse rule you?
How about your need for success?
What about your desire for safety, security, or financial stability?
What about your loneliness?

All stories consist of a basic 4-part structure:
1) a beginning of "shalom" or peace. Innocence is another word. Something is good, new, fresh.
2) Tragedy strikes - your "shalom is shattered" "Where did you lose your heart?"
Is it when your house didn't sell?
Your friend betrayed you?
Your loved one died?
Your car broke down?
Every one of these stories takes into account the fall.
3) Shalom is sought - we're trying to find our way back home. We're on a journey of redemption.
Because the nature of faith is the absence of sight, these journeys will lead to madness because they will probably lead to more heartache. Furthermore, they are full of paradox: you must give up your life, if you are to find it. You are sure and certain of that which you cannot see.

If your faith is a structure to escape chaos, it is built on idolatry, not redemption.

4) Denouement - stories end at a place where we can say, "Ahh." It's a loosening, a temporary respite
Here, at the temporary denouement, we can say, "I trust."

If you question this structure, go to the video store and browse the movies - this plot line is very familiar!

So, in the end, all stories are about redemption and hold the tension of "the already here, but not yet."

To sum all of that up, Faith engages Narrative. However, all stories are interpreted. We view stories through our own interpretive lenses - lenses that we cannot escape.

Here, we have a dilemma: no story can be objectively interpreted.
But these stories are from my life, so I'm pulling data from my memory, right?
Correct, but our memories are biased also!
Think about any storytelling or remembering you've done with a friend or family. How many details get mixed up? How do we know we are remembering correctly??!!! Another dilemma.

Our stories determine who we are. I have been defined by my family, growing up in Pataskala, going to Madison, going to basketball practice, sitting through Geometry class, etc. These are all stories that have determined who I am.

So, my story is the story because it shapes my identity. But my view of myself is always incomplete, somewhat inaccurate, built on bias, and therefore not sufficient for FAITH to be solid.

so, what is faith built on? again, the redemptive acts of God.

We address memory, to address story, to address faith. They start to mess with each other and we realize that our memory cannot be completely trusted.

In the midst of this dilemma, how do we then honor our story?
First, we must remember what we remember and then open our heart to it.
Who am I in this story?
Who am I becoming in this story?
Who am I called to become in this story?

All our stories have something to say to us. A story that's finished has no meaning. Our task is to begin the process of opening the doors to who I am in these stories? Who did I become...? Who am I meant to become...?
Again, the issue of identity.

So, we now see that Faith becomes paradigmatic - I look at the summation of multiple stories and say, "This is my style of how I move through narrative."
Faith is a paradigm for how I look and see myself, others, and God.

Now, it's beginning to get tricky here....

Since our paradigms are based on our inaccurate and biased memories of our stories, our paradigms are also inaccurate. So, I see everything, including God, through the lens of my own self-righteousness - a lens that thinks I see everything clearly and accurately (arrogance at its finest). Also, I see the world through the lens of my own shame and self-contempt.

Therefore, what I call FAITH may actually bind me from seeing well!!!

So, I shake my faith, which may feel like I'm shaking the truth, but in reality, I'm relinquishing my idolatrous lens or paradigm through which I look at life - a paradigm that was never an accurate lens to view myself, others, and God!!!

Now, the dilemma is further intensified...

What do we do with this faith that is built on shaky interpretations of memories of stories?
Nothing. This is why it is FAITH.

No one escapes Faith. We all have Faith in something. This is why the fundamental question is, "What story do I trust?"

The sightless certainty of Faith of a Christian is trusting that the denouements of our stories reveal the redemptive acts of God in our lives.

Optical Illusions are freaking sweet.

I love optical illusions. Apparently, this one is supposed to test your right/left brain. If you see the dancer spinning clockwise, your left brain is controlling, and if she's spinning counter-clockwise...well, I suppose it must be your right.

I could only see clockwise for a long time. I got pretty frustrated, and I started thinking it was all a big joke - some hoax to make people stare at a screen for way too long trying to see a dancer spinning in a non-existent direction. I ended up "googling" the dancer, and sure enough, it's no joke. Now, I can almost change direction at will.



Hint: noisiv larehpirep ruoy fo tuo kool ot spleh ti

shock.

I don't know if shock is the correct word. Maybe disbelief. No, I don't think it's that either.

Incredulity. Yes, that's it. Incredulity.

I am completely unable to emotionally comprehend the news I received this evening.

Without going into the exhausting financial details of my real estate investments, I will simply say that I have overpaid on interest for the past 2 years. So, a substantial refund is now awaiting me.

This means that my monthly holding costs will be significantly reduced until the overpaid difference is consumed.

In simple terms, over the next 7 or 8 months, my payment will be reduced almost 40%. I have not figured out all the numbers completely yet, but with the reduced payment, I may have sufficient savings to stay in school through the next term!

...and hopefully, this will bide enough time to unload the house...

I was not expecting an answer to prayer outside of selling the house, but since my main prayer has been to stay in school, this could be it.

As I said, I am unable to process this information right now - it may need to sink in before I can fully grasp its significance. Since the house remains unsold, I'm not yet in the clear, but regardless, this news is huge.

Thanks to all of you who have prayed, are praying, and will continue to pray for me. I can't express how much it means...

reflections on suffering

The day of reckoning is drawing near...
In a few short weeks, I'll have to make a decision to reduce my class load for next Spring.

My freaking house in Arkansas has not sold, and my savings (which I've been using to cover the mortgage) are almost depleted. When they run out, I'll need to find a full-time job to cover the expense of carrying a house that I do not live in and probably will never see again. Sometimes, life is thick with irony.

I am haunted by that house.

The leaves are falling in its yard for the third time now, a sign that it's been in my life for far too long. I could have left the house alone two years ago and lost less money than I will end up losing now - after wasting a year of my life working in misery and desperation to finish it.

My hope for selling the house quickly soared over the past several months, but that hope no longer remains. I do not expect the house to sell by the end of the year; I would be less surprised if Jesus himself returned before December.

So, where does this leave me?

I'm in the thick of story. As Dan Allender would say, "My shalom has been shattered."

Life is not easy and certainly not peaceful, but I feel more alive than ever.

At any given moment of the day, I'm on the verge of tears. Tears that rise from the despairing tragedy and sorrow of life, or tears that express overwhelming emotions for the beauty, goodness, and grace that I see everywhere.

I am suffering, and I am finding God.

Over the weekend, Ashley and I were invited to dinner with friends. We were expecting to have some good conversation, laugh, and enjoy a break from school by playing some games. What we encountered was a fellowship of sharing in suffering. We spilled our story about the house, and they shared a tragic story of their own.

Together, we met around a small table, listened to some good music, drank even better wine, and found understanding and hope in community.

No description of those moments can do justice to the joy I found sitting around that table. It was not your typical joy aroused by happiness, but a deep, longing joy for our redemption that is to come. I found joy because I found hope - not hope that the house would soon sell, but hope that in the midst of the suffering, God would be near.
That night, his presence was so real, and my joy so complete, that I was thankful that the house had not yet sold.

Even writing that last sentence, I think to myself, "You fool! What is wrong with you?!!"

But my heart was alive that night, and it still is today. The suffering is almost unbearable - I am still in disbelief that I may have to postpone my passion for going to school, a loss that has brought me to tears more than a few times over the past weeks - but I would not exchange the life coursing through me for an easy road of comfort and complacency. I do not want to be numb; I've too often lived anesthitized.
I want to be alive, and right now, I am.

"the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings" - I had not understood this phrase before, but I'm beginning to see a glimpse. I don't know how long this road will last, or when this chapter of my life will end, and I certainly await that day of redemption with expectancy - my celebration will definitely possess a triumphant fanfare - but in the midst of it all, I'm beginning to be thankful for the nearness of God and the tears that the Suffering One sheds with me.

I learned today that the word passion comes from a Latin root that means suffering. Hmm, ironic how my greatest passion right now - to go to school - is so intertwined with my deep suffering. Maybe passion will always bring suffering. If so, I'll willingly bear it for the life that comes from pursuing passion.

sorry...

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been working ahead since mom and dad are visiting town this week.

Grad Schools a whole new ballgame - I have yet to fall asleep in class and I've finished almost every assignment several days before they're due!

Emusic correction - 80 songs for $9.99

So, I read some more fine print on the e-music deal. I think any of you can still get 50 free songs and cut out, but for me to get the 50 free songs, you would have to stay a member for at least one month.
Membership prices are $9.99/month and you get 30 song downloads for each month paid.

So, you could essentially get 80 songs for $9.99, or about 13 cents/song!

That's a fantastic deal compared to $.99 at iTunes!

Even if you just want the 50 free songs, let me know and I'll send the link.

50 free songs!!!!

Emusic.com has a free trial offer for 50 free mp3's. It's a monthly subsciption service after the trial, but you can cancel anytime during the month trial.

If you sign up under me, I can get 50 more songs for each of you that signs up! So, write a comment on this post, and I'll send you an e-mail link.

It's not a gimmick. I heard about it from a friend that did it, and it's worked great for me. The songs are compatible with my ipod. I'm actually enjoying some Sufjan Stevens that I just downloaded today!

But don't sign up on your own!!! Do it through the link I e-mail you!!!

My wife is too easy to please.

In Arkansas, Wal-Mart was our refuge.

It was not infrequent that I could be caught preaching, "If Wal-Mart don't have it...you don't need it."

Toothpaste, cereal, light bulbs, T-shirts, vacuum bags, bananas, paint, oil - if we needed it, a 5-minute drive to Wal-Mart and we were set.

In Seattle, people don't like Wal-Mart. Therefore, there is no Wal-Mart anywhere in the city.

But this weekend, everything changed...

Ashley and I drove 30 miles north of the city to do some outlet mall shopping, and lo and behold, we happened upon a Wal-Mart. And not just any Wal-Mart. This was a Supercenter.

Ashley was ecstatic. She had not been that happy since our Honeymoon, and she probably won't be that happy again until she gives birth to our first child.

She was home. Wal-Mart was familiar. And the prices were fabulous.

So, our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, and we've been pondering some fun places to visit. After this weekend, I suggested staying at a Motel 8 in Everett, WA, waking up early to watch the sunrise, reading each other poetry, and then spending the day shopping at Wal-Mart.

Sounds crazy, but she loved it...

P.S. (and just so there's no confusion - this will not be what we end up doing for our anniversary...hopefully)

I love my Buckeyes.

There's nothing worse than living in a state that beat your team.

Good thing the Bucks pulled through on Saturday. I almost didn't go to the game, but I thought to myself, "What kind of fan are you if you won't shell out a few $'s to support your team in a far-off, hostile environment.

So, I did my part as the 12th man.

I'm pretty sure my obnoxious and perpetual screams were a large reason they mustered their 2nd half comeback.

Here's a few other pics for you die-hard Bucks:

Kirk Barton

I just found out that the guy I talked to was Kirk Barton, one of the best OT's in college football...

Buckeyes in Town!

So, I was walking down the street yesterday afternoon and I noticed a group of guys dressed in all red Buckeye jumpsuits. Since I had seen several fans walking around town the last few days, I didn't think much of it except for getting excited that more fans were around. But then, I noticed that the guys were fairly young...and really big. As I looked around, I noticed several small groups of guys in similar apparel walking all over the city square I was in. "These are no ordinary fans," I thought to myself. "These are the actual Buckeyes!"

Being the fan that I am, and well, just a generally personal and gregarious man, I walked over to one group and said, "It's great to have you guys here!"

"Yeah, thanks man," responded one player in a very bored, monotonous tone. "Our hotel is right over there and coach is letting us look around the city for a few hours."

I told him I just moved here, and I loved having the Buckeye world come to Pac 10 country. He asked if I was from Columbus. I told him I grew up there. I asked if they were feeling good about the game.
He said, "yeah." Again in the same bored, monotonous tone. This guy was hilarious.

After basking in the presence of greatness for a few moments, I walked home.

13 hours 40 minutes and counting...

Hopefully, they'll make me proud.

Pleasure Reading is MOST DEFINITELY Over

One week and I'm already out of black ink. I've only sat in four classes, but I've already printed out enough articles to empty an entire ink cartridge.

It's a good thing I like to read...

This week has been fantastic, but busy. Orientation, beginning classes, reading, and a good ol' friend from Taylor, John Molineux, happened to stop by in town for a few days. I've loved every minute of it, but it has kept me away from the blog...
So, here's some visual enjoyment during my written absence - I took this on the ferry ride in the Sound last weekend.

First Day of School

Everyone needs a first day of school picture, right?


Today is also my last day at UPS.

My nephew Jonah would have loved my life today, because it was definitely a roller-coaster. Actually, I suppose it was just one big up-hill, and then an exhilaratingly fast down-hill.

Before work last night, I jumped on the Mars Hill website and decided to check the syllabus for today's class. I thought there may be a slight chance that I'd need to read for today. Sure enough - two reading assignments accompanied by a specific style of notes on each was due today (this was me getting on the coaster). I read a few pages, and then left for work at 9:15. Up until 1:00am or so, all seemed fairly normal, except for a slight concern about finishing the reading (the first few cars crept upwards). But as the boxes ceaselessly slid down the ramp into my trailer, I began to feel my nerves tighten (I'm now beginning the ascent). By 2:00, Dr. Jekyl was gone and Mr. Hyde began to appear. The stress of the Ft. Smith house, the long, physically exhausting hours at UPS, the late nights, the lack of sleep, the academic work that was already piling up (before I even started my first day!) was becoming too much to bear. Literally, I almost began crying in my trailer - I was having an emotional breakdown. And it was happening during the night shift at UPS, which is not the best place to receive sympathetic support. By 2:30, my body was shaking, I felt weak, and I was fighting the urge to throw-up (now, I'm slowly ticking up the hill, wondering if I'll ever reach the top). 3:00 - I race to the edge of my trailer and grap the first open container I can find - I'd rather not discuss what happened next.... At 3:15, my supervisor said I was free to go, even though there was no end in sight to the endless flow of cardboard packages.

I still don't know if I got sick from dinner, or if I had reached the point of physical exhaustion (my scanner told me I had loaded 1100 boxes, so exhaustion wasn't out of the question). Possibly, my body was reacting to the overwhelming stress. Whatever the reason, I'm glad it happened, because I was able to get to bed sooner.

Orientation began this morning, but I was miserable. I didn't know how I could keep up the 30 hour schedule at UPS and still pour all of myself into Mars Hill. I was angry too. I sold my house, left my friends, and moved across the country to a new town and a new life - all for school. A program I might add that requires a lot of cash. So why was I already contemplating how I could "get by" with my assignments so that I could continue to work at UPS??!! This was not what I came here for!

I thank God for good friends, and I thank God that Jason Jost is now working at Mars Hill. After orientation, we walked back to my place and talked. Sometimes, you need a shoulder to cry on, and Jason was just the friend I needed. Ashley eventually joined us after she got off work, and we all discussed what was happening to me. Between the tears and sobs, I was able to communicate my flat-out desire to pour everything into this counseling program. I've been wanting this for so long that I can't bear splitting my loyalties with a job like UPS. Still, I needed permission; I wanted to know that it was a reasonable, calculated decision. I didn't want to listen to my soul speaking to me - it's hard to acknowledge our desires.

But even thinking about leaving UPS brought immense relief. Over and over again, deep breaths found their way into my lungs - life was entering me again. I could let myself be thrilled about school; I didn't need to panic about unfinished assignments. I could have the time; I could have all day!

So, this is where we're at. I'm a full-time student and that's it. I don't know the details of everything else, but for the time being, I'm going to give Mars Hill everything I've got - and I'm going to love giving it to them.

Labor Day Weekend with the Benedicts

Here are a few pics from the Benedicts weekend visit:

On the ferry to Bainbridge Island (it was a little windy).

Picking blackberry's along the road. These bushes are everywhere! And they are sooo tasty!

Dan and Jeaneen in Paulsbo.

Good ol' Rainier.

The Ferry back to Seattle - these clouds came rolling in the last few minutes of the ride!

Pleasure Reading is Over...

Today, I began reading for school.

I love to read, but I'm not always fond of someone dictating what I read. So, I've spent the last few weeks reading some good books of my choice - probably the last books of my choice for the next three years...! The sheer volume of reading material required for my program will most likely not leave time for much else.

Since our trek to Seattle, I've had the pleasure of turning the pages of The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Night by Elie Wiesel...and now, the end has come...

I wish I could continue pulling books of my shelf, but alas, I must reach into the tote bag I received from the Mars Hill bookstore and commence the 3-year journey of subjecting myself to the will of others.

Open Theism scriptures - a response to a posted comment

First, Scriptural support is a very tricky thing because interpretation is not always as black and white as what is on the page (or as what our pastor preaches). We are deeply affected by culture, language, experiences, etc. So much that our reading of Scripture will always be distorted. Maybe I'll share more about these thoughts tomorrow...This being said, I share the passages below with the cautious attitude that interpretation is precarious. For me, these passages serve to generate questions more than provide answers.

Second, let me clarify that this is not necessarily my point of view. I do, however, feel myself resonating with many of the ideas concerning the nature of the future.

Third, this theology is complex. Boyd's "short" primer is still 169 pages. My blog is significantly less. Please understand that I cannot fully explain the nuances of this theology in short and simple terms.

So, if you think I'm off-track because my Biblical support is not sufficient, please read something other than this blog. I never intended to make anyone think like me; I'm just sharing some of the thoughts I wrestle with.

Before beginning, ask yourself this: If God did change his mind and some of the future was partially open to him, how would he let us know that this was the case? Perhaps one response would be: He would tell us in Scripture.

Boyd remarks that I Kings 20 sparked his first questions about the nature of the future. In this passage, God sends Isaiah to inform Hezekiah that he is "going to die; you will not recover." Hezekiah then prays to God, and God responds by sending Isaiah back to Hezekiah. "This is what the Lord...says: I have heard your prayer....I will add fifteen years to your life."
1) Was God sincere when he told Hezekiah he was going to die?
2) If He was, how could we not believe that God then changed his mind?
3) How could God truly change his mind in response to a prayer if the prayer he was responding to was forever in his mind?
4) How could the Bible say that God "added" 15 years to his life if God was certain that he was going to live those years all along?
(these questions are all paraphrased to some degree from Boyd)

Clarification: the open view does not suggest that "all" of the future is open to God as possibilities (this would be defined as "process theology"). The open view suggests that "some" of the future is open while "some" remains determined or settled.

There are plenty of passages to support that the future is settled to God, but equal weight should be given to passages like the following:

Gen. 6:6 - "The Lord was "grieved" that he had made man on the earth." - Can God grieve over something he eternally foreknew would happen?

Num.14:11 - God asks Moses, "How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse...?"
Hos. 8:5 - "How long will they be incapable of purity?"
- These two could be rhetorical questions, but that's left for interpretation to decide. Many people that take the Bible "literally" would choose to say here that these are not literal questions that God is asking...convenient...

Is. 5:2,4 - The vineyard yielded "bad fruit" although God expected good fruit. "What more could have been done...? why did it yield only bad?"

Jer. 3:7 - "I thought that after she had done all this she would return to me but she did not..." It seems like Israel "not" returning was unexpected to God (if we take this literally). How could it be unexpected if he already foreknew their response?
Again in Jer. 3:19 - "I thought you would call me Father and not turn away...you have been unfaithful...."

Jer. 7:31; 19:5; 32:35 - Israel's behavior was other than God commanded, "nor did it enter my mind." At the very least, this suggests that God did not determine their actions. How could it never enter his mind, but also eternally be in his mind that they would do this??

Ex. 4:10-15 - God becomes angry at Moses for refusing to speak. If God always knew this would be Moses response, why would he then get angry when Moses refused?

Ezek. 22:30-31 - The Lord looked for a man among them who would stand up and build the wall, but he didn't find anyone. Why would God look for someone that he eternally knew would not answer?

Jonah 3:10 - "he had compassion and did not bring upon them the destruction he had threatened." What? Are his threats empty? I don't think so. Maybe he literally threatened them and because of his compassion, he changed his mind. If he foreknew that he would have compassion, why did he threaten them in the first place???

At this point, if I'm attempting to refute open theism, I'm beginning to make some accomodations to my "literal" interpretations (evangelicals love to pride themselves on their "literal" and "the Bible says it" interpretations)...

If you really want more biblical support, read these passages (or read Boyd's book):
Ex. 32:14; 33:1-3,14; Deut. 9:13-29; 1 Kings 21:21-29; 2 Chr. 12:5-8; Jer. 26:2-3; Ez. 4:9-15; Amos 7:1-6 - and there's more in the book (that is, both the Bible and Boyd's)

The first passages aren't more important. I just happened to see those first. And I stopped because I needed to go to work.

Infinite Actuality of Love, part 2

To have any fair and complete metaphysical discussion, you have to back up to some foundational level. A great place to begin is the question, "Why is there something, rather than nothing?" ...let that one sink in for a while.. :)

One historical Christian response is the Infinite Actuality of Love. We exist because of Love. And God's love has always and will always be actualizing itself. Of course, many would argue against this answer, but to have any discussion, you have to begin somewhere, and I'm going to proceed with this as my foundational presupposition. God is love, and therefore must actualize his love in some way.

Freedom is also at the heart of the discussion, and as I mentioned in the previous post, Open Theology answers the evangelical questions about the nature of our freedom and the suffering resulting from the freedom we've been given.

But the problem with evangelicalism, open theology, modernism, and capitalism is that our definition of freedom rests on the ideal that the highest level of freedom is the "freedom of choice." We are most free when we have the choice to decide what we will do with our freedom. Will we decide to do good or to do harm?

But what if there was another definition of freedom that could be more ideal?

Again, let's back up. One complication with our metaphysics is that we don't understand the synthesis between the supreme "will" and supreme "intellect." And because it's difficult to fuse the two, we inevitably position one above the other. When the "will" becomes superior without any guiding intellect or principle to guide it, the will then becomes wholly arbitrary. This arbitrary will then has the freedom to "choose" whatever it pleases. Sound familiar?

Our evangelical presuppositions, without thinking about it, have defined the ideal of freedom as the "freedom of choice," a philosophy based upon thoughts of a supreme being acting wholly on an arbitrary will, with no guiding principle or intellect.

(I haven't thought much about a superior intellect without the will, but this is beside the point right now.) When the intellect and will are synthesized, however, the will can be guided by a principle. This is what could be defined as the infinite actuality of love. God has always and will always be acting wholly according to a superior principle - love.

The logical conclusion to this understanding is that we find the highest ideal of freedom only when we are acting according to God's love. And because love is what resulted in something rather than nothing, it also follows that anything outside of his love is essentially nothing, or non-existent.

So, the issue of choice still remains - harmful human choices which result in atrocious sufferings around the world.

God's will and intellect could also be defined or described as authority, and two types of authority exist. The authority of constraint and the authority of appeal. The authority of constraint simply stated, is rules based, e.g. our governing authorities insist that we stop at a red traffic light. The authority of appeal, on the other hand, is founded by the freedom given to choose what authority will be followed. An appeal is made, and it is either accepted or rejected. Our experience tells us that love is never granted from the authority of constraint. It is, however, sometimes bestowed upon someone or something from the authority of appeal. God, our ultimate authority, appealed to us through his son Jesus Christ, that we may accept or deny his appeal. Love, the authority of appeal, necessitates the freedom of choice be granted to humanity.

But where modern evangelicalism falls short today is in the misunderstanding that our freedom is found here in its highest form.

Love, the guiding principle of the supreme intellect is infinitely actualized by the supreme will, and we are granted the opportunity, because of love, to live within the freedom which is love. In other words, we are most free when we are living according to his love.

Unfortunately, many of us choose to live outside of that love and the inevitable result is human suffering.

In the midst of the suffering, however, God is always and will always be appealing to us to live within the freedom which is his love.

In his will and in his intellect - in his very essence, he is the infinite actuality of love.

Infinite Actuality of Love, part 1

Warning and Disclaimer: Long theology post ahead. Some may be bored by this post, or even utterly abhor it, but hey, this is my blog and this is the stuff I think about when I'm not updating my fantasy football roster... :)
(In case you missed it, there was intended irony in that statement.)

Recently, I've found myself interested in "Open Theology." Open theology states that the future is partly settled (or determined) by God, but it is also partly "open" to God. God does not know most of the future in any certainties; it is only known to him in possibilities. In other words, God does not know exactly what I will do this evening, although he does know every possibility of things that I "may" do this evening.

On a more complicated level, Open Theology exists to help explain issues such as evil and suffering. If God knew evil would exist when he created the world, the open theist wonders, is he partly responsible for it? For example, if I own a pit bull that I'm certain will attack a nearby child, and I voluntarily release it from the chain, most would agree that I would be partly responsible for the child's injuries. This idea of responsibility, which is the logical conclusion to an "all-determining" God, contradicts the evangelical view of an "all-loving" God. And therein the problem lies - If God is all-powerful, all-loving, all-good, how can he permit the atrocities in our world to continue???

So, open theology simply suggests that God does not know. Quickly, evangelical alarms are raised and the "defenders of truth" shout that open theology is heresy because it "limits" an omniscient and omnipotent God!

However, this argument is easily side-stepped because open theology does not in any way question the nature of God's omniscience or omnipotence. The discussion is not about God himself; it is a discussion about the nature of the future.

Does the future exist as a reality to be known? Can the future free actions of free agents be known before their free decisions are made? Open Theists contend that God cannot know our future free actions because our future free actions do not exist as an object to be known. Foreknowledge of future free actions, therefore, becomes a self-contradictory statement. Can God make a 4-sided triangle? No. If he did, it would cease to be a triangle. Could he make a married bachelor? No. Again, if the man is wedded, he ceases to be a bachelor - they are self-contradictory concepts. If God foreknows our future free actions, they would cease to be "free."

So, why can God not foreknow our future free actions? Let me use this analogy:
If God foreknows that I am going to cheat on my 2010 tax return, then this is information that he has always known, from the beginning of eternity. At any point in history, therefore, he could reveal to humankind, perhaps in some book titled, "Troy's Future Actions" everything I will ever do, including cheating on my 2010 tax return. Let's say that he reveals this book to humanity in the year 2005. And let's say that I had the opportunity to peruse this book during that year. I would see that God foreknows that I will cheat on my taxes 5 years later. What am I supposed to think about this? I read that God is telling me I will cheat in 2010. I wonder to myself, "Do I have any choice? Can I change this? Can I "not" cheat on my taxes that year?" If I do decide to be honest on my tax return, then God's foreknowledge was wrong; therefore, I must cheat on my taxes to affirm God's foreknowledge. And if I "must" cheat to affirm his foreknowledge, then I do not have a choice in the matter. I have to cheat. My freedom of choice has been taken away.

So, with the future free actions of free moral agents now "open" to God as possibilities, we see that before creation, God knew that with our freedom of choice, the possibility (not the certainty) existed that we may choose something other than Him. So, when genocide occurs in Rwanda, AIDS devastates Uganda, the US goes to war with Iraq, and I can't sell my house even though many people are praying for God to act, and even more, trusting in His goodness to take care of us, we cannot blame God for the continuation of human suffering. They are a necessary condition to the freedom of choice he has given us. People choose sin and as a result, other people suffer.

Open Theology also deals with the scriptural evidence of God changing his mind as a result of unknown future actions of free moral agents, the power of prayer, and the fact that some of the future must be partly determined, e.g. Jesus will return one day and we will join him in heaven. Some liken the future as a highway, travelling in one particular direction, with the vehicles on the highway free to drive as they choose. There are many nuances of open theology - too many to discuss here, but Greg Boyd's "The God of the Possible" is a great place to start for a short primer.

I have found some relief in Open Theology's answers. However, as I have recently been made aware, Open Theology only exists as an answer to evangelical philosophical presuppositions, most of which may be off-track in and of themselves. From an evangelical perspective, Open Theology can sufficiently explain some of our deepest questions.

But the metaphysical problems of the evangelical perspective still remain...

...and of course, I could be wrong about all of this :)

First day (or night!) of work

My employment at UPS began last night with several hours of in-class instruction. I was impressed by the efficiency of their operations, and it's more complicated than I originally thought.
After class, our instructor asked me to stay for a few minutes as the other 7 newbies left for home. After telling me to have a seat, he asked, "Tell me Troy, why is it you're here at UPS?"
I was sort of confused - was he thinking I was a pansy and wouldn't be able to handle the labor?
The best bet always being honesty, I responded, "I need part-time work while I'm in school and the benefits and tuition assistance are too good to pass up."
"I've been teaching these classes for awhile now," he said, "and every once in a while, someone like you comes in."
"Where is he going with this?" I thought to myself. "Is he ready to fire me already because my reasons are too parasitic?"
"I'm going to need you in some areas," he explained, "not that everyone else in the class isn't capable, but I can tell that you'll be able to move up quickly. Are you OK with that?"

Crazy. I was only there for four hours. I barely spoke. And I'm already poised for a promotion. Good thing too, because the hours will be closer to 20 (rather than 25-30) and the physical requirements are a lot less strenuous.

This job may not be too bad after all.

Les Mis

"The pupil dilates in the night and at last finds day in it, even as the soul dilates in misfortune, and at last finds God in it." - Victor Hugo in Les Miserables

I have never read a more soul-stirring piece of literature than Les Miserables. Nearing the end of the book, I remember reading each line a little slower than the last; I couldn't bear for it to end. I stayed awake late into the night and cried as the story of beauty and redemption concluded. These were not characters on a page. They had become friends, and as I neared the end, I knew they would soon be lost from my life forever, with only my memories to keep them near.

It was strange. I had never been so affected by a book, but this was no ordinary piece of fiction - Hugo's masterpiece was poetry.

My thoughts turned to Les Mis after I was recently reminded (by a friend's comment on this blog) of Jean Valvean, the story's protagonist, and it was not long before the book was off my shelf. As I paged through some of my favorite excerpts, I decided to share a few lines for your edification and enjoyment:

"He looks at humanity so much that he sees the soul, he looks at creation so much that he sees God."

"Those who pray always are necessary to those who never pray."

"To dare; progress is at this price. All sublime conquests are, more or less, the rewards of daring....Deeds of daring dazzle history, and form one of the guiding lights of men. The dawn dares when it rises."

"The soul which loves and which suffers is in the sublime state."

"Of all the things which God has made, the human heart is that which sheds most light, and, alas! most night."

"The heavy masses, the multitudes, fragile on account of their very weight, dread uncertainties; and there is uncertainty in the ideal."

Home, Sweet Home

Title Bout

I'm having a debate over which is better:
1) Jack Bauer and his counter-terrorist bad-self on the series "24"

or
2) Blockbuster's Total Access free two-week trial which lets me watch Kiefer and Co. for free

The Interview

I've never filled out a job application that asked if I "[had] the ability to read labels."
And I was shocked to discover, as the H.R. rep put it, that "our young supervisors are 19 or 20."
This of course, precipitated a follow-up question from me, "So, what's the general age of the older supervisors?"
"Early thirties."
"So, if I moved up quickly, I'd be an older supervisor," I responded, hoping my countenance didn't reveal my surprise.

Part-time, manual labor, late night hours at UPS.

I may be over-qualified.

Life is funny

I've been surprised at the vast array of emotions that have accompanied this move. Most of the time, my emotions are dominated by the adventurous side of me, and I feel the thrilling excitement of all new experiences. But occasionally, twinges of concern and fear rear their ugly heads. A few nights ago, we had good friends over for dinner and they reassured us that they would be a safe place for us during the exasperating moments. I had not fully considered the demands of a move like this until they mentioned it, but they were right - it's not always sunshine and ice cream.

Navigating a crowded city to find a gas station; searching the grocery store aisles for the peanut butter that had previously been on aisle 6, half-way down the right side; transferring bank accounts and license plates; dealing with a failed auto emissions test!; locating a new church; not to mention returning to an academic life from which I'm 10 years removed, finding jobs, and trying to sell a huge, old house with an exorbitant mortgage - this is not a small list on the stress charts.

And we're going through all of this with the looming possibility that the house will not sell, our savings will be depleted in a few months, and we'll be forced to leave Seattle for a more affordable area of the country (whad'ya say Pop and Grammy??).

So, I've found myself looking at old pictures of family, friends, and vacations hanging around our apartment, and they seem to bring some comfort and perspective. They remind me of all I have that's good in life. And as for the miserable memories, it's funny how I can easily forget them, or even remember them with a strange affection. And I'm sure that someday, I'll look back on this present time with nothing but fondness.

In the meantime, when the struggle becomes too intense, I'll remember the sagacious advice of an old friend, "Man, you just need to chill out and look at the clouds." - advice that's easily followed in this city...

The Accordian dude

I love this guy. He hasn't missed a night yet. (this is the musician I mentioned in an earlier post). I probably enjoy his music so much since I too play the accordian...or I used to...or I did once. I joined a three-piece ensemble for a traditional rendition of "O Tanenbaum" aka "O Christmas Tree" at a staff Christmas party a few years ago. I've performed in many ways and in many arenas, but none were as terrifying as playing that accordian. Perhaps it was because I knew that I had to maintain perfect concentration to continue playing. The right hand, the left hand, moving it all back and forth - it required coordination beyond my ability. My hands trembled throughout the first verse, but I made it through. Then, it all fell apart. My confidence had risen and I let my mind wander towards the audience. "I wonder how they're enjoying this?" I thought. Playing and thinking were too much. A few wrong notes and I was done. I couldn't get back on track and the ensemble finished as a duet.

You know you live in Seattle when...

- you experientially discredit the widespread belief that rain perpetually falls when after 10 days, it has only sprinkled once in the middle of the night. (But locals remind us the rain is coming… ☺).
- the slightly effeminate man you meet on the elevator introduces his dog as “Blue State,” because naturally he says, “the dog’s mother works as a fundraiser for the democratic party.” (I'm still trying to figure out if he was referring to himself as the mother.)
- you look out your balcony and the neighborhood crack addict is rifling through the trash, and of course, pulls out none other than a Starbucks beverage that she promptly finishes.
- same sex couples holding hands are as common as a cup of coffee.
- you begin to scoff at the camera-toting tourists flocking around the original Starbucks, waiting 15 minutes in line for their frappucinos. (They can easily walk to 6 other locations within 4 blocks and wait only 2 minutes.)
- the smell of Indiana pig farms or chicken in Arkansas no longer remind you of home. Now, the pungent stench of raw seafood at the market brings a familiar warmth to your heart.
- you're apartment is so small you're forced to hang your bicycles from your bedroom wall.
- you drive thirty minutes to find the nearest Wal-Mart, only to discover that it has not received the standard “Supercenter” upgrade. (Surprisingly though, that infamous Wal-Mart crowd never changes!)
- you remember each of the three overweight people you’ve seen in the last 10 days.
- you race up Queen Anne hill to a park with a crowded city overlook every evening to see if you can catch Mt. Rainier in all her sunset glory.
- the salmon ladder is a popular tourist spot. Who knew watching salmon literally jump up a man-made "staircase" from sea water to fresh water could be so exciting?
- the bank, video store, dry cleaners, market, and a plethora of restaurants are all within a one-block walk.

Warning: obligatory cheesy conclusion -
And you know you live in Seattle when you can't believe you get to experience such a great adventure!

Our Home (from the outside)

Here's some pics of our building. We'll take pictures of our apartment after we're more settled in. I'd rather not lead you to believe that we've assumed some sort of abstract contemporary style designated by the overuse of randomly placed cardboard boxes.





Our condo is on the third floor, just behind the first tree (directly up from the silver car). On the first floor corner is a Sushi restaurant, then the aforementioned Italian restaurant, a coffee shop (not Starbucks, although there are about 10 of them within as many blocks), and a Subway (sandwiches).

We haven't eaten at any of them yet, but if anyone comes to visit, we'll be glad to let you take us out!
And off to the left in the bottom picture, you can see the Puget Sound.

Little Italy

Every night, the aroma of garlic wafts up towards our balcony from the Italian restaurant two stories below, and with it, the charming melodies of an accordian. We have yet to see the person, but we love his music. Two nights ago, the cool breeze carried with it the theme from The Godfather and I almost spontaneously clapped my hands in excitement. With the sounds and smells, it really feels like I'm back in Italy again. Hopefully, the on-coming cold weather will chase him away just as our irritation begins :), but for now, we'll enjoy every moment!

Maybe I'll take a picture and post it tomorrow.

Seattleites

It hasn't sunk in yet. I'm not sure when it will.

As of now, it still seems like I'm here for another visit, and in a few days, I'll return home again. Perhaps that's because we're staying with Jason and Jenny Jost tonight. Our condo isn't available until tomorrow morning at 9:00, so our stuff remains packed in the UHaul. I guess when you're living out of a suitcase and staying with friends in a town that's never been your home, it makes sense why it doesn't feel like we've actually moved here. After tomorrow, when our belongings are in the apartment, the UHaul is returned, and Ashley and I lie down to sleep in our own bed, the reality may begin to sink in.

As we entered Washington this afternoon, we counted the number of states we've travelled through since June - eighteen. Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon, and Washington (and some of these we travelled to more than once!). I don't want to begin counting the miles, but with those hours on the road, we've seen some beautiful landscapes. But I was never as excited as I was nearing Seattle. Within 30-60 miles of reaching the city, we drove through the most beautiful landscapes we'd been through all summer. The huge, evergreen covered mountains of Snoqualmie/Mt. Baker National Forest were unbelievable - and better yet, they're in our new backyard. So, if you've already planned a visit this way, you can probably count on a short trip up into the mountains.

After dinner this evening, Ashley and I took the Jost's yellow lab, Mia, to a park along Lake Washington for some exercise. As I played catch, I looked over the trees, beyond the lake and there before us stood Mt. Rainier. It never ceases to impress, but this evening, as the fading sun glistened hues of pink and red off the snow covered mountain, I was particularly excited. Perhaps because the mountain is now somewhat mine to enjoy. No longer is it a tourist sight; it's now the view in my new city.

I wish I had pictures to share, but our camera battery ran out earlier in the day :(

first stop - colby, kansas

We're on our way!

This morning, we met our Siloam friends for breakfast, shared an emotional goodbye, jumped in the UHaul, and started driving West. I'd love to say more about the day and the many thoughts that accompany a new beginning like this, but we're exhausted and need a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow night, we're camping in Rock Springs, Wyoming and then onto Boise, Idaho on Thursday.

a bite of the apple

I've never bought stock before, although I've wanted to join the game for a while. But as a novice, where would I begin?

After I made the switch from a PC to a Mac a few weeks ago (one of the best technological purchases I've ever made), I thought Apple could be a good stock to buy. I did a little research and even got on E-Trade yesterday afternoon to set up an account. If other obligations hadn't pulled me away, I probably would have bought. "Oh well," I thought, "I'll do it tomorrow...or next week." Unfortunately, I was completely unaware that Apple's 3rd quarter earnings were about to be released a few hours later.

And wouldn't you know - the results were great...for Apple.

Even though the price increased, the fruit still looks bright, juicy, and delicious, and it probably won't be long before I take a bite...

sorry mom. just to be fair

Mom, don't hate me for this.

T.M.I. (too much information)

I must be bored. I've spent the last four days doing nothing but internet browsing, photo editing, and familiarizing myself with my new mac. Quick game: Who can identify the common thread between these three things? Give it a try...it's not a difficult answer. Correct answer (backwards): retupmoc.

That's right, I've been at this computer, staring at this screen for endless hours. Why? I'm not quite certain. Perhaps it has something to do with the wealth of information readily available at the touch of the keypad. And being a good Taylor U. "life-long learner," I just can't help myself. So, what kind of information am I gathering? With a new fantasy football season on the horizon, the Beckhams recent stateside arrival, or the new NBA referee gambling scandal, there are many attractive choices...yet...I've found myself reading theology blogs. For my own disbelief, let me state that again: I've spent hours upon hours reading blogs, articles, letters, and yes, even watching interviews on YouTube of the latest theological controversies and fads. And let me tell you, this stuff is fascinating. Chuck Colson and Brian McLaren exchanging letters about postmodern relativism and conservative, evangelical absolutism; a mega-church pastor arrogantly arguing his reformed rhetoric in his attempt to become the "next best thing" in evangelical Christian leadership; or searching Wikipedia for the emerging church, propositional truth, antinomianism, metanarrative, and systematic theology to name a few. The vast array of thoughts, perspectives, and outcries of "he's a heretic!" is quite overwhelming.

What I have realized is that I really have no clue. It's comfortable figuring everything out with absolute certainty - there's no more need for frustrating doubts about the nature of God or moral questions about the way I or others should live our life. Ultimately, fear is replaced by a glorious and complete knowledge of the truth. This is what God wants, isn't it? American, 20th century, evangelical, conservative Christians with Western ideologies who read their Bible everyday, go to church every Sunday, pray before every meal, don't smoke cigarettes, and possibly have an occasional alcoholic beverage every now and then (but only in moderation, of course). Oh, and let's not forget vote Republican and talk to somebody at work about Jesus if the subject comes up. We have everything figured out and if we follow this formula, we'll be just fine - certainly, heaven awaits us.

Or maybe it's fear that keeps me in that place of comfort. What happens if I step outside of my six-point sermon, my latest Christian lifestyle self-help book, or my closely gathered community of Christian friends. What becomes of me if I consider a different perspective of Scripture, or perhaps acknowledge the many filters or lenses with which I read and interpret - filters that have nothing to do with the historical Jesus or the ultimate reality of God - lenses that only hinder my ability to correctly ascertain Truth. What will others think of me if I question the typical Christian code of acceptable morality, or if I stop fighting the culture wars? Isn't it interesting how we choose our hot topics of homosexuality or sanctity of life, but we quickly and severely neglect the hungry, the poor, and the oppressed. We are outraged at the dismantling of the family unit because of the liberal homosexuality agenda, while the prevalence of adultery and divorce is simply considered unfortunate. Smoking is evil primarily because of the harmful affects on the body, but I've never been chastized for indulging in 3/4 lb. bacon cheeseburgers, fries, and a large milkshake, not to mention the addictive god of caffeine...but selective moralism is beside the point...

How have we ended up like this? Why do we so presumptuously defend "the truth" of our culture-ridden Christianity? What does God want to say to all of us?

I just don't know anymore. I know I don't want to go back to that "Christianity" but I don't know what the True Christianity is. I have so many cultural obstacles in the way that I'm skeptical if I'll ever know. "The answers are in the Bible," many would argue. My response questions the validity of our "objective" interpretations; how else could there be so many conflicting doctrines of well-intentioned Christ-followers, not only now, but throughout the history of the church?

The one thing that is certain - God is shrouded in mystery. And maybe this is where he should stay. He's bigger now than He's ever been. There is no box that can contain him, and Calvin's 5 points don't explain Him. He is God the Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer and I am overwhelmingly grateful that it rests in His hands and not mine.

In the end, I suppose I'm just another restless man in process...

...and this post was probably t.m.i......