Onward to Hope!
If faith is a remembrance of the past (see part 1), then Hope is a memory of the future.
What does this mean?
All of our perceptions of the future will hold to our paradigms developed from our past. So, when we look at the future, we look at it through the lens of all our past experiences, or at least our "memories" of them - our perception of the future is intricately influenced by our past.
Therefore, when we look at the future, we see it in light of our memory. Thus, the definition "memory of the future." - Quite fascinating, I think...
Hope could also be called an "anticipation of the future."
If Faith is remembering God's redemptive goodness, then we can anticipate that Hope is seeing that which has not yet arrived.
If Hope arrives, then it was not hope (or at least is no longer hope), because Faith and Hope always require eyes that do not see!
As Christians, our hope is built on the arrival of Jesus. He has arrived - I remember (faith). He has not yet arrived - I anticipate (hope).
The Day of the Lord is the essence of our Hope. Only in this ultimate denouement, or redemption, will our hope be realized.
Often, we speak of other types of hope; these look similar to optimism or fantasy, and are frequently found in Hallmark sentiments. Biblical Hope on the other hand is quite different...
The true nature of Biblical Hope is that we will die, but before our life ends, things will get worse.
Hope gets us into trouble; Hope is demanding. It's dangerous and it calls me to die. The paradox: If I will not die, of course, I will not live. Sound familiar?
There will always be loss as Hope is endured. Hope is a lifetime pregnancy. We wait, we anticipate, we expect, and in the midst of this, there is incredible agony.
Imagine yourself as a child waiting for Christmas morning to arrive. It was painful enough to wait a whole year! Now, imagine you wake up and your parents want you to have a nice, quiet breakfast. This may be ok for you now, but when I was 6 years old, the agony would have been unbearable!
The greater "unrealizability" (I definitely made that word up ;)) of what we hope in, the more agony we will certainly experience as we wait for its fulfillment.
So, if you hear a person speaking of Hope without bleeding, or wailing, or agony, it's probably not in reference to true, Biblical Hope.
Look at Romans 8:22-23. I'll briefly paraphrase here: the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth...we ourselves...groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for...the redemption of our bodies.
Two things stand out here:
1) waiting expectantly and 2) groaning inwardly
God is very aware of our agony.
So, here is a pivotal question to ask yourself:
What is it that tomorrow will bring that you believe will so satisfy you that you would not be willing to die today?
Another way of asking this: What illusions still hold your heart?
Many of the things we "hope" for or dream about are nothing more than delusions - they are not hope.
For me, I dream of the day I have kids. I dream of the day my house will sell. I'm definitely beginning to dream of the day I graduate! I even dream of insignificant things like the opportunity to watch the Buckeyes win another game...
Often, I hope for comfort or financial security. "If only such and such would happen I would be more content" I think to myself.
Who am I kidding??? None of these things will satisfy. I am delusional! My ultimate desires for redemption, reconciliation, and justice will only be realized on the Day of the Lord.
Hope can only come through disillusionment.
and therefore, despair can become my friend if it purifies what I'm hoping for.
this is huge...
I hope for my house to sell. It hasn't. I want the Buckeyes to win every game. They won't.
I want to love others perfectly, and I want to be perfectly known and understood. I can't and I won't be.
I hate poverty, hunger, homelessness, addiction, etc. Deal with it.
Frankly, life sucks when we get down to it. We've all been rejected, abandoned, betrayed. We've all been murderers and adulterers. Our sin is pervasive, and when I really consider this, let it sink into the depths of my being, I want to lay down and die.
Oh, this despair would be crushing if it were not for the glorious "But,"
So, here it is: BUT, this despair always brings me back to my anticipation for another world - the ultimate redemption of Jesus Christ. In this, and in this alone, can I Hope.
So, is despair my friend?
Strong feelings of ambivalence arise from this question, but one response says, "Unfortunately, we're only casual acquaintances as of now, but I long to be closer." Of course, the other side says, "Good riddens, Despair! I hope I never encounter you again!"
Ambivalence is a crazy thing that constantly rears its head in our lives...(so, you love reading these posts, and you simultaneously can't wait until you get to the end. Ha!)
Speaking of...I'm getting tired. I'll finish hope tomorrow...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The Earth is Enough
I've almost finished perhaps the most difficult paper I've ever written.
I had to write a dialogue between myself and Harry Middleton, the author of "The Earth is Enough."
Writing dialogue, or a play of sorts, was ridiculously challenging for me.
I'd say more, but I'm tired of staring at this computer screen.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Faith, Hope, and Love (perhaps part 1)
I have four main classes this semester, one of which is taught by Dan Allender (Mars Hill's president and primary founder) and is entitled "Faith, Hope, and Love."
Now, initial thoughts may consider this to be an elementary class given the familiarity of the words in the title, but I have spent the last 3 days pouring over class transcripts (most students purchase these) for several reasons:
1) the information is incredibly profound
2) Dan moves through material at an accelerated pace; it is literally at a breakneck speed.
and 3) the information is so profound, and the pace is so quick, that I need ample processing time to internalize these concepts - time that is not given in class.
So, you, my faithful blog readers, get to participate in my educational experience. Over the years, I've found writing a summary of concepts to be a helpful way to process, and what better outlet for writing, than my own personal blog!
so.....Let's start with Faith (class #1):
I think I'll begin by defining Faith as remembering the redemptive acts of God.
Another interesting category of faith as a preface comes from Hebrews: sightless surety and certainty.
Faith is a matter of Trust. It asks the question, "To whom am I loyal?"
The context of our Faith is played out in story, so the questions can then be asked,
"What story am I loyal too?"
"What story do I trust?"
"What story has central command over my life?"
"What stories rule me?"
In looking at the idea of story, or narrative, several things must be understood:
First, we are all in a "story war." Many stories are vying for our attention, our life.
Does your story of past sexual abuse rule you?
How about your need for success?
What about your desire for safety, security, or financial stability?
What about your loneliness?
All stories consist of a basic 4-part structure:
1) a beginning of "shalom" or peace. Innocence is another word. Something is good, new, fresh.
2) Tragedy strikes - your "shalom is shattered" "Where did you lose your heart?"
Is it when your house didn't sell?
Your friend betrayed you?
Your loved one died?
Your car broke down?
Every one of these stories takes into account the fall.
3) Shalom is sought - we're trying to find our way back home. We're on a journey of redemption.
Because the nature of faith is the absence of sight, these journeys will lead to madness because they will probably lead to more heartache. Furthermore, they are full of paradox: you must give up your life, if you are to find it. You are sure and certain of that which you cannot see.
If your faith is a structure to escape chaos, it is built on idolatry, not redemption.
4) Denouement - stories end at a place where we can say, "Ahh." It's a loosening, a temporary respite
Here, at the temporary denouement, we can say, "I trust."
If you question this structure, go to the video store and browse the movies - this plot line is very familiar!
So, in the end, all stories are about redemption and hold the tension of "the already here, but not yet."
To sum all of that up, Faith engages Narrative. However, all stories are interpreted. We view stories through our own interpretive lenses - lenses that we cannot escape.
Here, we have a dilemma: no story can be objectively interpreted.
But these stories are from my life, so I'm pulling data from my memory, right?
Correct, but our memories are biased also!
Think about any storytelling or remembering you've done with a friend or family. How many details get mixed up? How do we know we are remembering correctly??!!! Another dilemma.
Our stories determine who we are. I have been defined by my family, growing up in Pataskala, going to Madison, going to basketball practice, sitting through Geometry class, etc. These are all stories that have determined who I am.
So, my story is the story because it shapes my identity. But my view of myself is always incomplete, somewhat inaccurate, built on bias, and therefore not sufficient for FAITH to be solid.
so, what is faith built on? again, the redemptive acts of God.
We address memory, to address story, to address faith. They start to mess with each other and we realize that our memory cannot be completely trusted.
In the midst of this dilemma, how do we then honor our story?
First, we must remember what we remember and then open our heart to it.
Who am I in this story?
Who am I becoming in this story?
Who am I called to become in this story?
All our stories have something to say to us. A story that's finished has no meaning. Our task is to begin the process of opening the doors to who I am in these stories? Who did I become...? Who am I meant to become...?
Again, the issue of identity.
So, we now see that Faith becomes paradigmatic - I look at the summation of multiple stories and say, "This is my style of how I move through narrative."
Faith is a paradigm for how I look and see myself, others, and God.
Now, it's beginning to get tricky here....
Since our paradigms are based on our inaccurate and biased memories of our stories, our paradigms are also inaccurate. So, I see everything, including God, through the lens of my own self-righteousness - a lens that thinks I see everything clearly and accurately (arrogance at its finest). Also, I see the world through the lens of my own shame and self-contempt.
Therefore, what I call FAITH may actually bind me from seeing well!!!
So, I shake my faith, which may feel like I'm shaking the truth, but in reality, I'm relinquishing my idolatrous lens or paradigm through which I look at life - a paradigm that was never an accurate lens to view myself, others, and God!!!
Now, the dilemma is further intensified...
What do we do with this faith that is built on shaky interpretations of memories of stories?
Nothing. This is why it is FAITH.
No one escapes Faith. We all have Faith in something. This is why the fundamental question is, "What story do I trust?"
The sightless certainty of Faith of a Christian is trusting that the denouements of our stories reveal the redemptive acts of God in our lives.
Now, initial thoughts may consider this to be an elementary class given the familiarity of the words in the title, but I have spent the last 3 days pouring over class transcripts (most students purchase these) for several reasons:
1) the information is incredibly profound
2) Dan moves through material at an accelerated pace; it is literally at a breakneck speed.
and 3) the information is so profound, and the pace is so quick, that I need ample processing time to internalize these concepts - time that is not given in class.
So, you, my faithful blog readers, get to participate in my educational experience. Over the years, I've found writing a summary of concepts to be a helpful way to process, and what better outlet for writing, than my own personal blog!
so.....Let's start with Faith (class #1):
I think I'll begin by defining Faith as remembering the redemptive acts of God.
Another interesting category of faith as a preface comes from Hebrews: sightless surety and certainty.
Faith is a matter of Trust. It asks the question, "To whom am I loyal?"
The context of our Faith is played out in story, so the questions can then be asked,
"What story am I loyal too?"
"What story do I trust?"
"What story has central command over my life?"
"What stories rule me?"
In looking at the idea of story, or narrative, several things must be understood:
First, we are all in a "story war." Many stories are vying for our attention, our life.
Does your story of past sexual abuse rule you?
How about your need for success?
What about your desire for safety, security, or financial stability?
What about your loneliness?
All stories consist of a basic 4-part structure:
1) a beginning of "shalom" or peace. Innocence is another word. Something is good, new, fresh.
2) Tragedy strikes - your "shalom is shattered" "Where did you lose your heart?"
Is it when your house didn't sell?
Your friend betrayed you?
Your loved one died?
Your car broke down?
Every one of these stories takes into account the fall.
3) Shalom is sought - we're trying to find our way back home. We're on a journey of redemption.
Because the nature of faith is the absence of sight, these journeys will lead to madness because they will probably lead to more heartache. Furthermore, they are full of paradox: you must give up your life, if you are to find it. You are sure and certain of that which you cannot see.
If your faith is a structure to escape chaos, it is built on idolatry, not redemption.
4) Denouement - stories end at a place where we can say, "Ahh." It's a loosening, a temporary respite
Here, at the temporary denouement, we can say, "I trust."
If you question this structure, go to the video store and browse the movies - this plot line is very familiar!
So, in the end, all stories are about redemption and hold the tension of "the already here, but not yet."
To sum all of that up, Faith engages Narrative. However, all stories are interpreted. We view stories through our own interpretive lenses - lenses that we cannot escape.
Here, we have a dilemma: no story can be objectively interpreted.
But these stories are from my life, so I'm pulling data from my memory, right?
Correct, but our memories are biased also!
Think about any storytelling or remembering you've done with a friend or family. How many details get mixed up? How do we know we are remembering correctly??!!! Another dilemma.
Our stories determine who we are. I have been defined by my family, growing up in Pataskala, going to Madison, going to basketball practice, sitting through Geometry class, etc. These are all stories that have determined who I am.
So, my story is the story because it shapes my identity. But my view of myself is always incomplete, somewhat inaccurate, built on bias, and therefore not sufficient for FAITH to be solid.
so, what is faith built on? again, the redemptive acts of God.
We address memory, to address story, to address faith. They start to mess with each other and we realize that our memory cannot be completely trusted.
In the midst of this dilemma, how do we then honor our story?
First, we must remember what we remember and then open our heart to it.
Who am I in this story?
Who am I becoming in this story?
Who am I called to become in this story?
All our stories have something to say to us. A story that's finished has no meaning. Our task is to begin the process of opening the doors to who I am in these stories? Who did I become...? Who am I meant to become...?
Again, the issue of identity.
So, we now see that Faith becomes paradigmatic - I look at the summation of multiple stories and say, "This is my style of how I move through narrative."
Faith is a paradigm for how I look and see myself, others, and God.
Now, it's beginning to get tricky here....
Since our paradigms are based on our inaccurate and biased memories of our stories, our paradigms are also inaccurate. So, I see everything, including God, through the lens of my own self-righteousness - a lens that thinks I see everything clearly and accurately (arrogance at its finest). Also, I see the world through the lens of my own shame and self-contempt.
Therefore, what I call FAITH may actually bind me from seeing well!!!
So, I shake my faith, which may feel like I'm shaking the truth, but in reality, I'm relinquishing my idolatrous lens or paradigm through which I look at life - a paradigm that was never an accurate lens to view myself, others, and God!!!
Now, the dilemma is further intensified...
What do we do with this faith that is built on shaky interpretations of memories of stories?
Nothing. This is why it is FAITH.
No one escapes Faith. We all have Faith in something. This is why the fundamental question is, "What story do I trust?"
The sightless certainty of Faith of a Christian is trusting that the denouements of our stories reveal the redemptive acts of God in our lives.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Optical Illusions are freaking sweet.
I love optical illusions. Apparently, this one is supposed to test your right/left brain. If you see the dancer spinning clockwise, your left brain is controlling, and if she's spinning counter-clockwise...well, I suppose it must be your right.
I could only see clockwise for a long time. I got pretty frustrated, and I started thinking it was all a big joke - some hoax to make people stare at a screen for way too long trying to see a dancer spinning in a non-existent direction. I ended up "googling" the dancer, and sure enough, it's no joke. Now, I can almost change direction at will.
Hint: noisiv larehpirep ruoy fo tuo kool ot spleh ti
I could only see clockwise for a long time. I got pretty frustrated, and I started thinking it was all a big joke - some hoax to make people stare at a screen for way too long trying to see a dancer spinning in a non-existent direction. I ended up "googling" the dancer, and sure enough, it's no joke. Now, I can almost change direction at will.
Hint: noisiv larehpirep ruoy fo tuo kool ot spleh ti
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
shock.
I don't know if shock is the correct word. Maybe disbelief. No, I don't think it's that either.
Incredulity. Yes, that's it. Incredulity.
I am completely unable to emotionally comprehend the news I received this evening.
Without going into the exhausting financial details of my real estate investments, I will simply say that I have overpaid on interest for the past 2 years. So, a substantial refund is now awaiting me.
This means that my monthly holding costs will be significantly reduced until the overpaid difference is consumed.
In simple terms, over the next 7 or 8 months, my payment will be reduced almost 40%. I have not figured out all the numbers completely yet, but with the reduced payment, I may have sufficient savings to stay in school through the next term!
...and hopefully, this will bide enough time to unload the house...
I was not expecting an answer to prayer outside of selling the house, but since my main prayer has been to stay in school, this could be it.
As I said, I am unable to process this information right now - it may need to sink in before I can fully grasp its significance. Since the house remains unsold, I'm not yet in the clear, but regardless, this news is huge.
Thanks to all of you who have prayed, are praying, and will continue to pray for me. I can't express how much it means...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
reflections on suffering
The day of reckoning is drawing near...
In a few short weeks, I'll have to make a decision to reduce my class load for next Spring.
My freaking house in Arkansas has not sold, and my savings (which I've been using to cover the mortgage) are almost depleted. When they run out, I'll need to find a full-time job to cover the expense of carrying a house that I do not live in and probably will never see again. Sometimes, life is thick with irony.
I am haunted by that house.
The leaves are falling in its yard for the third time now, a sign that it's been in my life for far too long. I could have left the house alone two years ago and lost less money than I will end up losing now - after wasting a year of my life working in misery and desperation to finish it.
My hope for selling the house quickly soared over the past several months, but that hope no longer remains. I do not expect the house to sell by the end of the year; I would be less surprised if Jesus himself returned before December.
So, where does this leave me?
I'm in the thick of story. As Dan Allender would say, "My shalom has been shattered."
Life is not easy and certainly not peaceful, but I feel more alive than ever.
At any given moment of the day, I'm on the verge of tears. Tears that rise from the despairing tragedy and sorrow of life, or tears that express overwhelming emotions for the beauty, goodness, and grace that I see everywhere.
I am suffering, and I am finding God.
Over the weekend, Ashley and I were invited to dinner with friends. We were expecting to have some good conversation, laugh, and enjoy a break from school by playing some games. What we encountered was a fellowship of sharing in suffering. We spilled our story about the house, and they shared a tragic story of their own.
Together, we met around a small table, listened to some good music, drank even better wine, and found understanding and hope in community.
No description of those moments can do justice to the joy I found sitting around that table. It was not your typical joy aroused by happiness, but a deep, longing joy for our redemption that is to come. I found joy because I found hope - not hope that the house would soon sell, but hope that in the midst of the suffering, God would be near.
That night, his presence was so real, and my joy so complete, that I was thankful that the house had not yet sold.
Even writing that last sentence, I think to myself, "You fool! What is wrong with you?!!"
But my heart was alive that night, and it still is today. The suffering is almost unbearable - I am still in disbelief that I may have to postpone my passion for going to school, a loss that has brought me to tears more than a few times over the past weeks - but I would not exchange the life coursing through me for an easy road of comfort and complacency. I do not want to be numb; I've too often lived anesthitized.
I want to be alive, and right now, I am.
"the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings" - I had not understood this phrase before, but I'm beginning to see a glimpse. I don't know how long this road will last, or when this chapter of my life will end, and I certainly await that day of redemption with expectancy - my celebration will definitely possess a triumphant fanfare - but in the midst of it all, I'm beginning to be thankful for the nearness of God and the tears that the Suffering One sheds with me.
I learned today that the word passion comes from a Latin root that means suffering. Hmm, ironic how my greatest passion right now - to go to school - is so intertwined with my deep suffering. Maybe passion will always bring suffering. If so, I'll willingly bear it for the life that comes from pursuing passion.
In a few short weeks, I'll have to make a decision to reduce my class load for next Spring.
My freaking house in Arkansas has not sold, and my savings (which I've been using to cover the mortgage) are almost depleted. When they run out, I'll need to find a full-time job to cover the expense of carrying a house that I do not live in and probably will never see again. Sometimes, life is thick with irony.
I am haunted by that house.
The leaves are falling in its yard for the third time now, a sign that it's been in my life for far too long. I could have left the house alone two years ago and lost less money than I will end up losing now - after wasting a year of my life working in misery and desperation to finish it.
My hope for selling the house quickly soared over the past several months, but that hope no longer remains. I do not expect the house to sell by the end of the year; I would be less surprised if Jesus himself returned before December.
So, where does this leave me?
I'm in the thick of story. As Dan Allender would say, "My shalom has been shattered."
Life is not easy and certainly not peaceful, but I feel more alive than ever.
At any given moment of the day, I'm on the verge of tears. Tears that rise from the despairing tragedy and sorrow of life, or tears that express overwhelming emotions for the beauty, goodness, and grace that I see everywhere.
I am suffering, and I am finding God.
Over the weekend, Ashley and I were invited to dinner with friends. We were expecting to have some good conversation, laugh, and enjoy a break from school by playing some games. What we encountered was a fellowship of sharing in suffering. We spilled our story about the house, and they shared a tragic story of their own.
Together, we met around a small table, listened to some good music, drank even better wine, and found understanding and hope in community.
No description of those moments can do justice to the joy I found sitting around that table. It was not your typical joy aroused by happiness, but a deep, longing joy for our redemption that is to come. I found joy because I found hope - not hope that the house would soon sell, but hope that in the midst of the suffering, God would be near.
That night, his presence was so real, and my joy so complete, that I was thankful that the house had not yet sold.
Even writing that last sentence, I think to myself, "You fool! What is wrong with you?!!"
But my heart was alive that night, and it still is today. The suffering is almost unbearable - I am still in disbelief that I may have to postpone my passion for going to school, a loss that has brought me to tears more than a few times over the past weeks - but I would not exchange the life coursing through me for an easy road of comfort and complacency. I do not want to be numb; I've too often lived anesthitized.
I want to be alive, and right now, I am.
"the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings" - I had not understood this phrase before, but I'm beginning to see a glimpse. I don't know how long this road will last, or when this chapter of my life will end, and I certainly await that day of redemption with expectancy - my celebration will definitely possess a triumphant fanfare - but in the midst of it all, I'm beginning to be thankful for the nearness of God and the tears that the Suffering One sheds with me.
I learned today that the word passion comes from a Latin root that means suffering. Hmm, ironic how my greatest passion right now - to go to school - is so intertwined with my deep suffering. Maybe passion will always bring suffering. If so, I'll willingly bear it for the life that comes from pursuing passion.
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