reflections on suffering

The day of reckoning is drawing near...
In a few short weeks, I'll have to make a decision to reduce my class load for next Spring.

My freaking house in Arkansas has not sold, and my savings (which I've been using to cover the mortgage) are almost depleted. When they run out, I'll need to find a full-time job to cover the expense of carrying a house that I do not live in and probably will never see again. Sometimes, life is thick with irony.

I am haunted by that house.

The leaves are falling in its yard for the third time now, a sign that it's been in my life for far too long. I could have left the house alone two years ago and lost less money than I will end up losing now - after wasting a year of my life working in misery and desperation to finish it.

My hope for selling the house quickly soared over the past several months, but that hope no longer remains. I do not expect the house to sell by the end of the year; I would be less surprised if Jesus himself returned before December.

So, where does this leave me?

I'm in the thick of story. As Dan Allender would say, "My shalom has been shattered."

Life is not easy and certainly not peaceful, but I feel more alive than ever.

At any given moment of the day, I'm on the verge of tears. Tears that rise from the despairing tragedy and sorrow of life, or tears that express overwhelming emotions for the beauty, goodness, and grace that I see everywhere.

I am suffering, and I am finding God.

Over the weekend, Ashley and I were invited to dinner with friends. We were expecting to have some good conversation, laugh, and enjoy a break from school by playing some games. What we encountered was a fellowship of sharing in suffering. We spilled our story about the house, and they shared a tragic story of their own.

Together, we met around a small table, listened to some good music, drank even better wine, and found understanding and hope in community.

No description of those moments can do justice to the joy I found sitting around that table. It was not your typical joy aroused by happiness, but a deep, longing joy for our redemption that is to come. I found joy because I found hope - not hope that the house would soon sell, but hope that in the midst of the suffering, God would be near.
That night, his presence was so real, and my joy so complete, that I was thankful that the house had not yet sold.

Even writing that last sentence, I think to myself, "You fool! What is wrong with you?!!"

But my heart was alive that night, and it still is today. The suffering is almost unbearable - I am still in disbelief that I may have to postpone my passion for going to school, a loss that has brought me to tears more than a few times over the past weeks - but I would not exchange the life coursing through me for an easy road of comfort and complacency. I do not want to be numb; I've too often lived anesthitized.
I want to be alive, and right now, I am.

"the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings" - I had not understood this phrase before, but I'm beginning to see a glimpse. I don't know how long this road will last, or when this chapter of my life will end, and I certainly await that day of redemption with expectancy - my celebration will definitely possess a triumphant fanfare - but in the midst of it all, I'm beginning to be thankful for the nearness of God and the tears that the Suffering One sheds with me.

I learned today that the word passion comes from a Latin root that means suffering. Hmm, ironic how my greatest passion right now - to go to school - is so intertwined with my deep suffering. Maybe passion will always bring suffering. If so, I'll willingly bear it for the life that comes from pursuing passion.

sorry...

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been working ahead since mom and dad are visiting town this week.

Grad Schools a whole new ballgame - I have yet to fall asleep in class and I've finished almost every assignment several days before they're due!

Emusic correction - 80 songs for $9.99

So, I read some more fine print on the e-music deal. I think any of you can still get 50 free songs and cut out, but for me to get the 50 free songs, you would have to stay a member for at least one month.
Membership prices are $9.99/month and you get 30 song downloads for each month paid.

So, you could essentially get 80 songs for $9.99, or about 13 cents/song!

That's a fantastic deal compared to $.99 at iTunes!

Even if you just want the 50 free songs, let me know and I'll send the link.

50 free songs!!!!

Emusic.com has a free trial offer for 50 free mp3's. It's a monthly subsciption service after the trial, but you can cancel anytime during the month trial.

If you sign up under me, I can get 50 more songs for each of you that signs up! So, write a comment on this post, and I'll send you an e-mail link.

It's not a gimmick. I heard about it from a friend that did it, and it's worked great for me. The songs are compatible with my ipod. I'm actually enjoying some Sufjan Stevens that I just downloaded today!

But don't sign up on your own!!! Do it through the link I e-mail you!!!

My wife is too easy to please.

In Arkansas, Wal-Mart was our refuge.

It was not infrequent that I could be caught preaching, "If Wal-Mart don't have it...you don't need it."

Toothpaste, cereal, light bulbs, T-shirts, vacuum bags, bananas, paint, oil - if we needed it, a 5-minute drive to Wal-Mart and we were set.

In Seattle, people don't like Wal-Mart. Therefore, there is no Wal-Mart anywhere in the city.

But this weekend, everything changed...

Ashley and I drove 30 miles north of the city to do some outlet mall shopping, and lo and behold, we happened upon a Wal-Mart. And not just any Wal-Mart. This was a Supercenter.

Ashley was ecstatic. She had not been that happy since our Honeymoon, and she probably won't be that happy again until she gives birth to our first child.

She was home. Wal-Mart was familiar. And the prices were fabulous.

So, our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, and we've been pondering some fun places to visit. After this weekend, I suggested staying at a Motel 8 in Everett, WA, waking up early to watch the sunrise, reading each other poetry, and then spending the day shopping at Wal-Mart.

Sounds crazy, but she loved it...

P.S. (and just so there's no confusion - this will not be what we end up doing for our anniversary...hopefully)

I love my Buckeyes.

There's nothing worse than living in a state that beat your team.

Good thing the Bucks pulled through on Saturday. I almost didn't go to the game, but I thought to myself, "What kind of fan are you if you won't shell out a few $'s to support your team in a far-off, hostile environment.

So, I did my part as the 12th man.

I'm pretty sure my obnoxious and perpetual screams were a large reason they mustered their 2nd half comeback.

Here's a few other pics for you die-hard Bucks:

Kirk Barton

I just found out that the guy I talked to was Kirk Barton, one of the best OT's in college football...